Heartbroken

I’m writing this post today but honestly don’t know if or when I’m even going to post this entry. You see I had this great plan on how I was going to debut my blog, everything was coming together great all in perfect timing and BAM just like that my heart was shattered and my plan went down the drain! In a way I’m not surprised though, I feel like whenever you try and plan things out and play it all out in your head, GOD or whatever higher power you believe in swoops into your life and pushes you down a different path ruining everything you just had laid out. My husband always tells me to just go with the flow, I don’t know why I just won’t listen because he’s right majority of the time. Nothing happens when you want it to, nothing happens when it’s perfect timing, there is no such thing. GOD has his own plans for you and it doesn’t matter what you “request” he’s going to do it in his time and his way.

In starting this blog I never want to come across as the “perfect mom”. I want to be real, open, and honest with people. I want everyone to see that I have my struggles, insecurities, and bad days as well. I don’t want to be portrayed like everything is great, I have this perfect life, perfect family, I’m in great shape, luv my job, etc. when that’s not the case. So when I told my husband that my blog dreams were now ruined, I have nothing to talk about he reminded me, “Why do I follow the blogs that I do,?” And I thought to myself because those women are real, they focus on topics that I deal with on occasion, and most importantly they inspire me.  So with that being said I’m going to be completely raw with you…

In September I found out, I was pregnant! Jeremy and I were thrilled, beyond ecstatic to be expecting a 3rdchild. Literally right away we started planning how we were going to tell our family and friends, for all of you that know me know I’m a Pinterest junky & right away a “personal” board was made and I started pinning away! We already had names picked out and we started talking about how we were going to make room for a 3rd baby in our 3 bedroom condo. For anyone who has ever been pregnant you know those first couple months go by so slow, seems like your pregnant for eternity, and it’s only been like 2 months. But that’s what happens when you’re so excited and counting down the months/weeks/days until your due date. I had found the cutest pregnancy announcement on Pinterest & it was perfect with Halloween coming up. It was official we were going to buy a bunch of pumpkins, make a little pumpkin family, and then cut out a heart in my pumpkin & place a little baby pumpkin inside with a sign that read, “We’re adding a pumpkin to our patch May 2015”. How adorable is that idea? Perfect right?

For those of you who don’t know my 2nd child was delivered at only 29 weeks, due to this my OB doctor informed me that as soon as I was to get pregnant again they would do a cervical ultrasound right away to get a baseline measurement that way later down the road they could tell if I was going into pre-term labor or not.  So last week my 1st ultrasound appointment was scheduled, I thought nothing of it, I was just going to go straight from work & get it done real quick, we weren’t going to be see the “baby” yet so my husband stayed home with our youngest. I was just at the doctors 3 days prior to confirm my pregnancy, the pee stick still tested positive, all was good!! So I did my ultrasound and after the appointment they had me wait to speak to the radiologist. As I’m sitting in the waiting room I’m thinking this is really weird why would some radiologist be giving me my results, they can’t decide if I’m high risk or not this doesn’t make sense. I’m starting to get paranoid but I’m a paranoid person anyways so I tell myself to brush it off, it’s no big deal. The radiologist comes out to get me & says he just needs to speak to me real quick. He takes me into a patient room and he informs me, “I’m really sorry but there was no fetus/embryo present on the ultrasound, I believe you had a miscarriage!”.  At that moment my world came crashing down, here I am all alone in a patient room, and I am just delivered what I consider at that moment the most devastating news. How could this even be? I was just at the doctors 3 days ago for my initial pregnancy visits, they had me take a pregnancy test, it was still positive, and not to mention I’m so sick and nauseous all the time. I felt like it was a dream, I literally felt like I had heard the doctor wrong, and there was no way this was really happening. I honestly didn’t think this would ever happen to me! I just sat there questioning him and he had no words! I walked out of the doctor’s office balling my eyes out, I don’t even remember how many people were in the waiting room, and I didn’t even care. And now for the 2nd worst thing of all…to tell my husband I was no longer pregnant. I’ll never forget how giddy and excited Jeremy was when I showed him that pregnancy test a couple weeks ago and now I have to call him and basically break his heart. Who wants to do that? Who wants to deliver to their husband such awful news? I sat in the parking lot crying for about 5 minutes before I could even bring myself to dial his number, he was going to be devastated! When he answered all I could do was cry! I finally got it out, “I’m not pregnant anymore”! He has since told me he knew the moment he answered that phone something was terribly wrong.

The moment you find out your pregnant you instantly become so in love with this human being growing inside of you! To have that instantly taken away from me for no reason was devastating. I couldn’t stop crying all day, I literally was heartbroken. Ever since I was a little girl all I’ve ever wanted to do was to be a mother, so why does GOD make this journey for me so difficult? For once why can’t I just experience a normal pregnancy? I’m so envious of girls that don’t take months/years to get pregnant, who deliver full term, and complain about how uncomfortable they are. Must be nice! I’d love to be 9 months pregnant and wishing this baby would come out of me. But I’ve never gotten the chance to experience that yet. With everything going through my head I definitely starting experiencing the stages of grief, I was so sad the first day, next day I was positive and ready to move back on with my life, then I became very depressed and literally did nothing all day. If it wasn’t for my other 2 children and husband I don’t know how long I would have stayed depressed for, they were the only things that could make me smile and keep my mind occupied or else I would have just sat and dwelled on it. I know I need to be grateful for the 2 beautiful children I already have because there’s people out there that can’t even get pregnant nor have children of their own but it still makes me angry. Especially in my line of work, I’m so tired of seeing these mothers who use drugs throughout their whole 9 months of pregnancy and have 6 other kids who they don’t even have custody of! WTF!!! Why do they keep getting pregnant? Why can’t people like that miscarry? Why does it feel like the people that really want to be parents have the most heart ache and trouble? Life just really seems so unfair sometimes!

 It’s been a little over a week since I was told the news and for the most part I’m ok, I can talk about it sometimes but then little things will trigger the sadness to set back in. I woke up the other night crying because in my dream I was feeding our new little baby boy and telling him how in the beginning they misdiagnosed me for having a miscarriage. Oh how I wish that was true! Oh how a part of me wished when I went in for that repeat ultrasound we’d see that little heart beating away and be able to prove those doctors wrong. But life goes on and everything happens for a reason, I don’t know what that reason may be now but I’m sure in time will tell. So for now I’ll try to hold my head up high and continue to make great memories with the 2 babies that I have.
 

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