Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!! We had a really great time with family and friends but unfortunately this year my lil family was incomplete. Every year my ex and I rotate who my daughter is with on Thanksgiving and this year she was with her dad. I’m sure there are a lot of you out there that can relate to me on this one.
You want to be excited about the holidays but then again at the same time you feel emptiness because you’re not able to share this special day with your loved one. It’s really hard when you walk in the door and your nieces come running up to you so excited to see you but then instantly are disappointed when they learn their cousin won’t be joining them today. Holidays almost feel like a constant reminder of where your life went wrong. I can recall countless holidays of me crying before it’s time to leave the house because of the guilt and sadness I feel. I’m sure it’s not only hard on me but my daughter as well. It’ll be nice when we get to the point where she can choose where she’d like to be, but then again that could just open up a whole different can of worms for me.
I remember before I left Kirra’s dad the one thing that kept me in the relationship was HER! I wanted to give my daughter a great life and felt so guilty for tearing apart her family. Here she was, this innocent baby and she never asked to be brought into this life. She never asked to be taken from the only home she’d ever known and have to go back and forth every day, split between two parents. I was so worried she’d be scarred from our breakup and grow up to be bitter and not believe in Love or fairytale romances. I felt like I was starting her off on such a wrong foot and she’d feel so abandoned or if the break up was her fault. Even now after 4 years I worry our relationship isn’t what it could have been. Now that I’m remarried and have another child with my husband I worry that she’ll feel envious of her brother and the fact that his parents are still together and he doesn’t have to go back and forth all the time. I contemplated staying in the relationship and sacrificing my own happiness for her happiness. As a mother you will do anything for your child and so I was willing to live a life of lies in order to give her what I thought was what was best. I really hope and pray when she gets older she’ll understand why I had to leave and understand I did what I had to do and know it was for her!
A good thing to remember is, kids are a lot more intuitive then we think, you may be fooling everybody else around you but a child will always see through you and see the pain your hiding. This honestly helped me make my final decision; I didn’t want my child growing up thinking it was ok to be in a relationship like this. If it’s not ok for your daughter, sister, or friend to be in a relationship like this then why is it ok for you? That question will always stick with me and was one of the key factors of my breakup. So I took that leap and brought huge change to my daughter’s life, only time will tell but I have to keep reminding myself I did the right thing for her and I, because of me she will know what’s it’s like to be in a healthy relationship and she won’t make the same mistakes that I did. So on Christmas when I’m feeling down because she’s at her dads for the holiday I need to remind myself, I gave her the greatest gift of all, I gave her a life of truth, happiness, and healthy relationships!!