A hope for my future

I don’t particularly talk about my miscarriage often but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t consume my mind continuously. I don’t feel that a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think about the baby that could have been. When it comes to my emotions I’m usually more of a private person and don’t like to bother others with my problems. This blog has become a way for me to express my frustrations, for all I know no one even reads it but at least it’s a way for me to get my feelings out in a positive way. I would hope though that I can reach one person who has gone through a similar situation and bring a little more peace to her day knowing she’s not alone. I have recently found myself becoming very angry that this miscarriage happened to our family; I can’t help but be in countdown mode thinking that in just 3 months I would have been delivering another baby. It’s been almost 9 months since we originally decided to add another child to our family and to think that it could still be many more months until we get pregnant again is just so depressing. I really don’t know how much longer I can go on with the disappointment of another negative pregnancy test. For those of you who have struggled with infertility then you understand my hatred of peeing on those dang sticks and watching just the control line appear! I sometimes wonder if “GOD” doesn’t think I’m ready to experience the joy of being pregnant again. Do I need to be healed from this miscarriage before I can move on? Can you ever really be healed? Does the pain ever go away and do you ever forget? They say time heals everything but how much time is that? I still find myself very emotional and cry occasionally and it’s been 5 months. I feel most frustrated and still have such unanswered questions. Life just feels so unfair at times! I have been finding myself doubting “GOD” and his plan for my future, they say “GOD” doesn’t bring you pain but then why would he do this to me? Why would he take away my sweet baby? Why doesn’t he want me to be a mother again? Does he feel like I’m not a good mommy? Or was he saving this baby from a life of pain and struggle? Then it makes me wonder how my husband feels about all this? Would my husband have married me if he would have known that I couldn’t give him the family he has always wanted? Would I have married him if the roles were reversed? My husband would love to have a big family and it makes me so sad knowing I may not be able to give that to him. The other day at my daughter’s softball game there was a family of 7! 7 kids can you believe that? I laughed to myself thinking of the chaos in that family household but in all reality I was jealous of that mother. Jealous she was able to get pregnant 7 times and deliver 7 children. Jealous that she was able to have her children back to back so that they are all close in age. My husband joked that that would be us in the future and I laughed not because that’s to many children but because I worry we won’t be able to even have 4 children let alone who knows how long it will take to add this 3rd child to our family. This whole 2-3 year gap in between children is not going to work if we want to continue having more; I worry now that since I’m almost 31 years old we are going to run out of time.
My sister in law recently gave me the book “Expecting with Hope claiming joy when expecting a baby after loss” by Teske Drake.
 It is a Christian based book and made for mommies to read when their pregnant again but you can definitely read it beforehand.  I have never been much into religion as this book has tons of bible verses but I find this book very reassuring. Maybe because it’s written by  woman who have gone through similar situations, they totally understand my feelings and get where I’m coming from, I feel like this book is really speaking to me and it’s what I need at this time.  One of the very first things I read that really hit home with me is that “the joy and innocence of pregnancy is lost”. This is totally true! I’m definitely not this naïve girl anymore who thinks the first time you have unprotected sex you’ll get pregnant and then 9 months later you deliver this healthy baby with no complications. Unfortunately after my 2ndchild was delivered at only 29 weeks and now this miscarriage I see pregnancy as one of the scariest time of a woman’s life. I really wish I didn’t feel this way, I wish I could just be carefree and totally excited when pregnant, don’t get me wrong I absolutely love being pregnant and welcome it with open arms,  I just see things in a new light. To me being pregnant is so stressful and every little symptom you freak out and think something is wrong! Being pregnant truly is a miracle and when you really think of the whole conception and birthing process it truly is amazing! As written in the book “trust him now, so that as your future unfolds-whatever the outcome-he is there to take you by the hand”.  What is my outcome going to be? I feel like I sound so greedy and ungrateful saying I hope to give my husband that large family like he’s always wanted, I feel so guilty saying I hope to be blessed with multiple pregnancies and healthy children, especially when there’s woman who can’t even conceive just 1 child. I should be so grateful for the two that I have. Maybe that is “GODs” plan for me? Right now I can’t be content with this though, I can’t find peace and seek GOD wholeheartedly at this time, right now I’m having a hard time putting all my trust in him, especially when it comes to the life of my children. Right now as I’m typing this my Granny is in the hospital very sick and I fear she won’t make it much longer. It makes me sad to think that she probably won’t meet her next great grandchild. It makes me angry to think that maybe if I wouldn’t have had a miscarriage she would have at least gotten to meet one more of my children. When it comes to moments like this in your life this is where you can’t find reason and nothing makes sense. This is where you doubt the presence of a “GOD”!  No matter how long a person is on this earth, no time is long enough. No matter their age or the reason of their death their still the love of someone’s life and no time no matter how long isn’t enough. I really hope that someday I will be able to come to peace with how my future is unfolding and it will all make sense.  Until then…”Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Heb. 11:1)

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