5 weeks prego

I have decided to share a couple journal entries I had written before even announcing my pregnancy to anyone. I remember being terrified out of my mind at this time, I’m still scared don’t get me wrong, but it’s so reassuring seeing how far we’ve come and to see that everything is going great!….
It’s been almost a week since I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive and here I am finally writing! I don’t know why I couldn’t bring myself to write, I feel so weird this pregnancy. Is this really happening? Are my husband and I finally going to be blessed with another child after enduring such heartache last October? It just feels to good to be true and I’m so scared to get excited to only get let down again. I told Jeremy, this poor baby is just totally getting screwed…the last two pregnancies as soon as we saw that positive line on the test we were freaking out so excited and now this time we can’t even bring ourselves to believe it’s true until we see that ultrasound picture. And even then I know I’m going to be so scared throughout this whole pregnancy that something could go wrong.  I feel almost like I don’t want to let myself get attached to this baby for fear it’s going to be taken away from me. I honestly don’t know if I can endure the pain of another pregnancy loss again. I had the positive pregnancy test on April 15th. On April 17th I went and had my HCG levels drawn, oh my gosh talk about nerve wrecking waiting for that phone to ring with my results….2500. This nurse reassured me my level s were so promising but then to repeat them in 2 days. To me though HCG levels mean nothing, with my last pregnancy my levels were 40,000 after they had confirmed there was no embryo in the sac. I still was so reassured to hear those levels and then when I repeated them today April 20th they rose to 9,000. Seriously!! Are you kidding me? To me that seems so high for only supposedly being almost 5 weeks pregnant. I have only told 3 of my closest girlfriends and they all tease me that I’m having twins. Due to my HCG levels I am scheduled to have an ultrasound tomorrow morning which will confirm how far along I am. To say I’m terrified is an understatement! As the night goes on I find myself getting more and more scared and tearful. My last ultrasound was so traumatic that’s all I can think of. Tomorrow is either going to be a very happy day or it could be another tragic day and the start of my depression all over again. It’s crazy to think my life will be forever changed tomorrow around 8am. Will this ultrasound go in my favor? Or does God have other plans for my family? I felt like after getting the positive pregnancy test I was feeling pretty positive all week and thinking to myself things are going to be different but now why do I find myself doubting my happiness. I feel like I can’t even concentrate, I’m just staring mindlessly. I can’t even eat dinner. The thought of it just makes me want to burst into tears. I so wish I didn’t have this bad taste in my mouth, I so wish the innocence of pregnancy wasn’t lost for me. It takes me back to feeling like this is so unfair! Pregnancies are supposed to be a happy joyous time so why am I so sad and scared. When will I finally come to peace that things are going to work out for me? Tonight is going to be the longest night ever, I wonder if I’ll even be able to sleep.  It’s crazy to think my next update is either going to be bad or good news….oh how I wish I could fast forward time!

2nd opinion

Last week was one of the biggest emotional roller coasters I’ve experienced in a long time; I literally spent all of Wednesday crying after my appointment with the high risk specialist. I woke up on Thursday with a new found attitude though; I was determined to have a full term pregnancy no matter the odds against me! On Wednesday I felt very much defeated as if my dreams of a “normal” pregnancy were taken away from me. I just want to deliver a healthy term baby so bad and let my husband experience the joy of having the baby placed on my chest, hearing the baby cry as they wipe him/her down, and then bundling the baby up so daddy can hold for the first time. I don’t want a quick peek of my baby before it’s whisked away to the NICU and then once again I’m left alone in a hospital room as if nothing just happened.  I know my husband would say, “as long as I have a healthy baby I don’t care if it gets taken down to the NICU”, but as a mother I just want to experience pregnancy and childbirth the way they should be.
On Friday my husband and I met with my new OB, this OB deals with his own high risk pregnancies so at this appointment we would need to discuss our options and decide what path and what doctor we were going to choose.  Right away the demeanor of this appointment was totally different, I felt so at ease and there was no, “let me stamp high risk right across your forehead”, there was no, “if you do nothing your baby will be delivered even sooner than 29 weeks”. This doctor was so calm and basically said that he feels things could have been different with Kaiden if I would have been monitored differently so I’m not 100% considered “high risk”. He went on to mention that so far everything looks great and that if we do a cerclage next week he doesn’t see why we can’t get me to full term. He just really made me feel like my goal in this pregnancy is really possible and it’s not going to be as hard as it was made out to be at first. I almost wish I would have just met with him only and not had the crap scared out of me 2 days before. Mind you this is the same doctor that happened to be on that night that I went into labor with Kaiden and he was AMAZING!! It was one of the scariest nights of my life and he was so calm and made me feel so at ease that everything was going to be ok and it was. That delivery was the most calm and well-orchestrated delivery I’ve had so far and the whole delivery and NICU team worked together wonderfully.
It’s so funny how different doctors are in their opinions of how things should be done and what medications to take. This new doctor said get a cerclage; go out on disability around 27 weeks but no medication. He doesn’t believe in giving pregnant women progesterone, he doesn’t believe it even works as the only study claiming that it does work is by the company that manufactures the drug. Hmm isn’t that funny! To him it has more of a placebo effect if anything. My biggest lesson I’ve learned through this all though, is if you’re not comfortable with a doctor’s opinion then seek out another one. It is your body after all you know best, I do feel Kaiden was a fluke thing and I do feel this time can be different. I’m only working 2 days a week now instead of 3, I will make sure to have lighter assignments when working, no more working overtime, and this time around if I feel something is wrong I’m going to be persist about having it checked. I don’t care if I’m in triage a couple times a week, I would rather be that obnoxious patient always in triage then deliver a NICU baby again.  I will continue to keep you guys update on my cerclage and week of bedrest! Fingers crossed my husband can handle the new responsibility!

Pregnancy announcement

pregnancy announcement, high risk pregnancy, pregnancy, pregnant, fit pregnancy, healthy pregnancy
//assets.pinterest.com/js/pinit.js Yup it’s official we are expecting baby #3!! Even as I write this it doesn’t seem real! I never intended to wait this long to reveal our amazing news but I just feel like the time is flying by. Weeks 4-8 crawled by but ever since our 1st ultrasound to verify there really was a baby there; the time is just speeding by. I haven’t been documenting this pregnancy like I wanted to, I feel like with Kaiden I already had so many pictures and a scrapbook started whereas now I feel like I don’t have much. They say the more children you have the less and less you do but that is sad of me to think, I don’t want this child to feel less important. I just honestly have been kept busy with working, having 2 children already, and then a combination of not feeling good in the beginning, being exhausted, and probably the biggest factor is being scared. My last pregnancy I lost at 8weeks so to say I’ve been nervous this time around is an understatement. Every little feeling, pain, emotion I freak out…am I miscarrying? Is my stress level going to cause me to have a miscarriage? I must have looked up the symptoms of miscarriage at least 10 times in the last month! It really sucks that the innocence of pregnancy is lost for me but I just can’t help but always have that worry in the back of my mind.  As long as I’m pregnant though I don’t think that worry will go away, I’m finally out of the 1sttrimester but realistically something could go wrong during any gestation period.
So yesterday we met with the pregnancy specialist because if you remember my 2nd child was delivered at only 29 weeks. I had a feeling I would be now considered “high risk” based on my history but hearing the Dr officially diagnose me as high risk sent me overboard. She also said to me that if I didn’t do any precautionary measures that I would more than likely deliver even earlier then 29 weeks this time. I instantly started bawling and all I could think about was that I can’t have another baby in the NICU. I don’t know if I can physically and mentally go through that again. Even to this day, 2 years later, sometimes when I talk about Kaiden’s 1st couple months of life I get so teary eyed and upset. I really feel like that was a very traumatic time in my life and to think of living that nightmare again terrifies me. I was a wreck all day yesterday, I literally just needed a day to feel sorry for myself, I did nothing but cry all day. I was mentally exhausted and just felt like a million “what ifs” were running through my mind.  I felt very sad, I was scared, but most of all I was angry! I just feel like it’s not fair! Why do I have to go through all these steps just to have a baby? I know I should be grateful that I can even get pregnant but no matter what situation you are in whether its infertility, experiencing a miscarriage, or being high risk it’s still not fair! Why can’t I just be like the majority of women in the world? Why can’t I just get pregnant easily? Why can’t I carry a normal healthy term baby? Why do I have to take this completely different road to get the same result that other woman get with no problems? Just like when I delivered Kaiden early, I felt robbed, I felt like I missed out on so many different milestones of being pregnant. And that’s how I feel now! I feel robbed of carrying a baby to term! I feel as if this joyous experience is being taking away from me and now instead it’s replaced with a surgical procedure and weekly injections.  I know the Dr isn’t saying I can’t carry full term; it’s just going to be more of a struggle to get there.
I woke up today with a new outlook! I got dressed, I did my makeup and hair, I’m ready to get back to nesting and organizing my house because I’m determined  to stay strong and positive for this baby! I am going to fight and do everything I can to ensure I do what’s best for my child. No more pity party for Rachael, it’s time to face the facts and just embrace this journey GOD has put me on. I’m not saying I like it, but there’s nothing I can do to change it, so I might as well just go with the flow. I can’t sit and stress about being on bedrest and paying my bills. I literally just need to focus on getting through today and doing the best I can for my body today!
How far along? 13 weeks
Total weight gain? 4lbs
Maternity clothes? Haven’t been wearing maternity clothes for about a month now! I feel like this pregnancy my belly popped out way quicker than my other pregnancies. I hate how expensive maternity clothes are though, the thought of paying so much $$ on something you’re only going to be wearing for a short period of time sucks! So I have definitely been the bargain shopper lately shopping at Ross, Target, Old Navy, Sears, and then bought a couple pairs of pants on clearance at Motherhood Maternity. I have invested in 3 pairs of shorts and then the rest were all t-shirts, tank tops, and then even just regular tank tops in a size L.
Best moment this week? Seeing our lil baby move all around at our ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat. It’s always so reassuring knowing baby is still healthy!
Stretch marks? Not yet (knock on wood)
Movement? Still to early
Food cravings: Chocolate milk and then last night I saw a commercial for raisin bran and was like “omg that looks so good”! Definitely will be adding that to my grocery list. Oh ya and we can’t forget the ice cream I eat at least every other night.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Occasionally chicken isn’t to appealing to me just depends how it’s cooked though
Have you started to show yet? Oh ya! It’s been especially hard since I haven’t told very many people yet, I have to always wear baggy tops but lately I’m just like forget it, I’m embracing this bump and just going with it.
Gender? We don’t know yet! The ultrasound tech said she thinks she had an idea what we’re having but Jeremy wants to wait until our 20 week ultrasound.
Labor signs: Better not be having any for quite some time!
Belly button in or out? Still in
Wedding rings on or off? Still on
Happy or moody most of the time? Definitely get irritated very quickly; I’m still really tired all the time so don’t have as much patience for Kaiden and his terrible twos.
Looking forward to? Every week this baby getting bigger and stronger!

Beauty Blender versus a drug store version?

For those of you who watch You Tube makeup tutorials you know exactly what I’m talking about…there are certain products that makeup bloggers ALL talk about! I also wonder are they really that great or are all these bloggers getting paid to hype up the product? I decided to test the theory myself when it came to the Beauty Blender. I’ve heard a lot of people say nothing compares to the Beauty Blender but then I’ve also heard people say the Real Techniques sponge is the closest dupe. So I decided to try it out for myself and make up my own opinion. //assets.pinterest.com/js/pinit.js

What is your guys opinion? Do you like the Beauty Blender? Do you think it’s worth $20?