I have decided to share a couple journal entries I had written before even announcing my pregnancy to anyone. I remember being terrified out of my mind at this time, I’m still scared don’t get me wrong, but it’s so reassuring seeing how far we’ve come and to see that everything is going great!….
It’s been almost a week since I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive and here I am finally writing! I don’t know why I couldn’t bring myself to write, I feel so weird this pregnancy. Is this really happening? Are my husband and I finally going to be blessed with another child after enduring such heartache last October? It just feels to good to be true and I’m so scared to get excited to only get let down again. I told Jeremy, this poor baby is just totally getting screwed…the last two pregnancies as soon as we saw that positive line on the test we were freaking out so excited and now this time we can’t even bring ourselves to believe it’s true until we see that ultrasound picture. And even then I know I’m going to be so scared throughout this whole pregnancy that something could go wrong. I feel almost like I don’t want to let myself get attached to this baby for fear it’s going to be taken away from me. I honestly don’t know if I can endure the pain of another pregnancy loss again. I had the positive pregnancy test on April 15th. On April 17th I went and had my HCG levels drawn, oh my gosh talk about nerve wrecking waiting for that phone to ring with my results….2500. This nurse reassured me my level s were so promising but then to repeat them in 2 days. To me though HCG levels mean nothing, with my last pregnancy my levels were 40,000 after they had confirmed there was no embryo in the sac. I still was so reassured to hear those levels and then when I repeated them today April 20th they rose to 9,000. Seriously!! Are you kidding me? To me that seems so high for only supposedly being almost 5 weeks pregnant. I have only told 3 of my closest girlfriends and they all tease me that I’m having twins. Due to my HCG levels I am scheduled to have an ultrasound tomorrow morning which will confirm how far along I am. To say I’m terrified is an understatement! As the night goes on I find myself getting more and more scared and tearful. My last ultrasound was so traumatic that’s all I can think of. Tomorrow is either going to be a very happy day or it could be another tragic day and the start of my depression all over again. It’s crazy to think my life will be forever changed tomorrow around 8am. Will this ultrasound go in my favor? Or does God have other plans for my family? I felt like after getting the positive pregnancy test I was feeling pretty positive all week and thinking to myself things are going to be different but now why do I find myself doubting my happiness. I feel like I can’t even concentrate, I’m just staring mindlessly. I can’t even eat dinner. The thought of it just makes me want to burst into tears. I so wish I didn’t have this bad taste in my mouth, I so wish the innocence of pregnancy wasn’t lost for me. It takes me back to feeling like this is so unfair! Pregnancies are supposed to be a happy joyous time so why am I so sad and scared. When will I finally come to peace that things are going to work out for me? Tonight is going to be the longest night ever, I wonder if I’ll even be able to sleep. It’s crazy to think my next update is either going to be bad or good news….oh how I wish I could fast forward time!