25 Week update

Week 25
Holy Moly I’m such a slacker on posting!! I’m really going to make it a point to blog the rest of this pregnancy as now as when it starts to get really scary! I had all these big plans on documenting this pregnancy and then next thing I know I’m 6 ½ months Prego and have done nothing like I wanted.
My baby bump this week:
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high risk pregnancy, pregnancy, pregnant, fit pregnancy, healthy pregnancy

On Saturday we got free tickets to the Padre game so I couldn’t pass those up, but don’t get me wrong I was definitely freaked out about going. For 1) it was about 90 degrees, ridicously hot, and of course our seats were smack dab straight in the sun the entire game! I couldn’t do it, after sitting in the sun for only about 5 minutes I was sweating so bad and knew this wasn’t a good idea. We spent majority of the time standing in the shade or sitting at a table watching the game on the restaurant table, I just couldn’t bear the heat and was scared I’d get to hot and start contracting.  2) We had to park about 5 blocks from the stadium, now mind you for “normal” pregnant women this is totally fine but I can’t even walk my daughter to her classroom without my stomach tightening. My poor husband we walked so slow to the stadium, me waddling right behind him (yes I already have the dang waddle going on), but walking any faster and I get this awful side cramp. I was even nervous to walk around the stadium but we did a lot of stopping so I was fine until the walk back and then baby girl made sure to let me know I needed to sit down and was done for the day. Overall, it was a great time and I was so happy I was able to enjoy the family outing with my family!!

For those of you that are also limited in your pregnancy you feel my pain on how hard it is sometimes when you can’t even do normal day to day activities. The other day after working all night, I slept for a couple hours, and then we went to Ikea since were trying to redo our laundry room area to make more storage area for baby girl. I literally couldn’t even make it from the parking lot into the store without having the worst side cramping ever!! I had had a really rough night at work the night before, so physically my body was just done. We had to cut our shopping short since I couldn’t even concentrate on anything other than the pain. Things like that make me so frustrated at times, I just feel like my body hates me! Why can’t I just carry a baby full term like majority of other women? I know so many women who work out pretty extreme until the day they deliver and here I am not even able to walk around Ikea without having issues. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be as involved with activities with my family as I’d like to be and it makes me really sad, we’ll be driving home, and I will literally be fighting back tears of frustration. I don’t like being high risk, it’s not fun, and in fact I feel like it’s not fair! I just don’t understand it; I don’t understand why my body has to be this way! I guess you could say the same thing though about infertility, why for some women they get pregnant in the blink of an eye while other women take years of trying before being successful. I will never understand why some women are dealt these cards!
What my sweet girl looks like this week:
This week, according to BabyCenter baby girl is the size of a rutabaga or over 13 1/2 inches long and weighs around 1 1/2lbs. She’s beginning to exchange her long, lean look for some baby fat. As she does, her wrinkled skin will begin to smooth out and she’ll start to look more and more like a newborn. She’s also growing more hair — and if you could see it, you’d now be able to discern its color and texture.
When I sit and read how big baby is now, it’s so bizarre to me to think something that big is actually in my stomach! The whole conception and growing process of a baby is mind boggling but to think there’s this little human being growing in my belly really trips me out sometimes. Especially when she’s in there moving around, I always wish you could have like a little window to your belly so you could see exactly what their doing in there! My husband and I have been so curious lately as to how she’s going to look as well, will she have dark hair like Kaiden or will this be our little toe head baby? My daughter was bald until she was about a year old so I don’t think she’s going to come out with a ton of hair or anything, I’ve already come to terms with the fact she’ll need to be wearing a headband every day or else people will think she’s a little boy. Both my husband and I have blue eyes so either way she should come out with blue eyes, which would be so cute as a blonde or brunette. Either way we can definitely wait another 3 months to see what she looks like. It’s funny because before you have ever had a preemie baby you constantly say “I can’t wait to meet baby”! Those words will definitely never be spoken in our household and I always correct people if they say it to me, I can definitely wait and have patience for another 3 months, I’m not in that big of a hurry to hold her or see what she looks like. There will be no preemie baby for this momma again!!
Total weight gain: 28lbs. (I gained 29lbs with both Kirra and kaiden) I’m definitely not stressing over it, as long as I have a healthy baby I’ll worry about losing the unwanted extra weight later
Stretch Marks: My belly looks great right now; I have some stretch marks on my hips but have had that since I was in high school. I still love my Burt Bees Mama butter right now!
Best moment this week: Hearing baby’s heart beat at my doctor’s appt today and then just making it to 25 weeks!! From 22-25 weeks I was an emotional wreck and seriously so scared that any minute my world was going to come crashing down if I went into labor. (knock on wood) but I have felt great this week and am so excited every day as I approach 26 weeks.
Miss anything: Living my life without constant worry! When you’re not pregnant you don’t freak at every little cramp or pain that you experience. I just definitely miss being a little more carefree and not feeling like I’m walking on egg shells 24/7, scared to rock the boat. I won’t drink soda (since caffeine is a stimulant), I’m scared of getting a pedicure and having them massage my legs (there is a pressure point on your legs/feet that can make you go into labor), and not to be TMI but I don’t want to be intimate with my husband either for fear it will send me into labor. You just hear about so many risk factors for pre term labor and then you literally try and avoid all of them!
Movement: Everyday! Some days she is like a wild animal in there!!
Food cravings: Hot dogs, kids’ cereal, and then my newest…bagels with cream cheese!
Labor signs: Very crampy last week at work for practically my whole shift, I should have gone to triage but I tried to power through it. This week I have felt great but at today’s doctors appt I was told I shouldn’t have any cramping. If I feel cramping then I need to lie down, drink water, and see if it goes away, if not then go straight to triage. With my history menstrual like cramps aren’t ok! It’s just another one of those things where some people have cramps through their whole pregnancy and carry full term, so I was just very torn thinking is this normal? Should I go to triage? I just don’t ever want to come across as a “baby” or “overreacting” all the time and sometimes I just don’t want to feel like a burden on people where there constantly having to take me to triage. I’m sure none of my family feels that way; I just don’t like inconveniencing people.
Upcoming: I have my glucose test tomorrow to check for gestational diabetes and from now on I will be seeing the doctor every 2 weeks. I most likely will go out on disability from work at 27 weeks so the thought of only a couple more shifts at work sounds really nice!

Gender Reveal

OMG can’t believe I am seriously 20 weeks pregnant and I haven’t been blogging like I wanted to. Sometimes I feel like the time is just crawling by and then other times when it comes to my blogging and scrapbooking I feel like the time is flying by because I haven’t done half the stuff I have wanted to do. Poor baby is going to have no documentation of being in my belly like I did with Kaiden. Well today was a very exciting day because today we have finally found out what we are having!!! Finally the time has come!! I have had two different chances now to find out the gender and both times my husband wanted to wait so I respected his wishes, well now I can’t wait any longer. With both my two other children I have always found out right at the ultrasound appointment, well this time we were going to do things a little bit different, we were going to have a gender reveal party right after the ultrasound. The ultrasound was scheduled for 4pm, OMG it seemed like the longest day ever, I just couldn’t wait for the appointment. Not gonna lie though, I was a little nervous for the appointment and for two different reasons. 1) I was worried something was going to be wrong with the baby, even though I had felt him/her move earlier in the day I was still terrified and 2) I was scared the ultrasound tech would accidentally tell us the sex of the baby and then everything would be ruined. Well we went to the appointment and everything was great, baby wasn’t totally cooperating so the ultrasound lasted an hour long, my stomach was so sore after we left from her poking and prodding repeatably with the probe so that definitely sucked. It was so crazy to think that we had the results in an envelope right there in my purse, I kept joking to my husband that we should just look! But no, I’m not that kinda person, I like to be surprised, and I wanted to be surprised with everyone else. We went straight to The Cupcake Store by our house and handed the baker the envelope. I had ordered 4 cupcakes and she was going to insert the filling into only one of the cupcakes. I was doing our reveal a little bit different, I wanted only the grandparents to get a cupcake, no one would know which cupcake had the filling, and then they would all bite at the exact same time! Even as we got the cupcakes I was nervous leftover frosting would be on the box or wrapper of the cupcake, I’ve heard way to many stories of people having their reveal ruined and I really didn’t want that to happen to us. We went and picked up the kiddos and then it was straight to my mother in laws for the fun to begin!!

This is the cake I ordered from Costco which was for everyone else besides the Grandparents to enjoy! I really did feel like “pink or blue we love you”. Either way I would be extremely happy but for some reason I was just 100% convinced that we were having a boy. There was no doubt in my mind that from day one this baby was a boy. When I went to the store,  I wouldn’t look at girl clothes, nothing related to girls because I knew it was a boy and didn’t want to get my hopes up.  I even ordered a couple boy things I thought were so cute. I told my husband repeatably it was a boy, we had our boy name picked out, and our heart was set on another little boy.
Me and my two other little ones! Kirra (8 years old) and Kaiden (2 years old)
When the time had finally come to reveal the gender I was so excited yet so nervous at the same time!!
That face says it all!!! NO FREAKING WAY!!
We are having A BABY GIRL!! I am 100% completely and utterly in shock! No amount of words can describe how unprepared I was for my mother in law to bite into a pink cupcake! No Way!! The ultrasound has got to be wrong!! Until this child is born and it comes out a girl I still have my hesitation. It is seriously so crazy how strongly I felt like it was a boy, I have never once called this baby a “she” and now I feel so bad cuz everyday 24/7 it’s “he, he, he”! Not to mention I feel bad for my husband, for the past 4 months I got his hopes up as well that we were having another little boy so he has been mentally preparing himself for that. I know he’s happy either way and is just going to melt as soon as he sees her but we just definitely have had to switch gears now.
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How far along? 19 weeks
Total weight gain? 16lbs (I swear majority is in my boobs and butt)
Maternity clothes? Definitely!! I wear nothing but maternity clothes anymore.
Stretch marks? Not yet (fingers crossed)
Best moment this week? Our gender reveal party and finding out were having A LITTLE GIRL!
Movement? Daily, usually when I sit or lay down she’ll give a couple quick kicks
Food cravings? Everything! I just wanna eat all the time
Anything making you queasy or sick? Not anymore, luckily that stopped after the first trimester
Have you started to show yet? Umm ya!! This is the biggest I’ve been with all 3 of my pregnancies, I feel huge even though others disagree
Gender? Lil girl
Labor signs? No and there better not be any until 36 weeks at least! I’m determined to carry this baby full term
Belly button in or out? Still in but I feel like in a month or two that could change
Wedding rings on or off? Still on for the moment, that is probably going to change real quick as well
Happy or moody most of the time? I’m really tired lately so that could be adding to my no patience
Looking forward to? Going through all the baby girl clothes we already have and seeing what we still need, I’m definitely in nesting mode
As far as being “high risk” goes I am still only seeing the doctor every 4 weeks like a “normal” pregnancy. I see my OB in 2 weeks and I’m going to clarify to him when I will start going more frequently and how I will be monitored differently this time. My only scare so far was about 2 weeks ago, I was very uncomfortable in the area where my cerclage is located, I felt like it could be potentially tearing or opening. I called my OB crying, so upset, for sure I was going into pre term labor and he stated that as long as I wasn’t bleeding or contracting that I was fine. Well I had neither but either way I was still terrified considering my past, so I called out sick from work, and literally didn’t move or get off the couch all night. By the next morning the “pain” had subsided but it was still scary. Even now, every back pain, stomach ache, I get so scared that this could be it! But every day that goes by I’m more and more grateful for another day of keeping this baby in!

Bed Rest

If you guys follow my Facebook or Instagram then you know that about 2 weeks ago I had to go on moderate bedrest due to having my cerclage placed. I had absolutely no idea what to expect as I’ve never had to do this before. Let me just say I wasn’t expecting it to be how it was!!! I was miserable!! I thought, “oh I’m going to get so much accomplished, I can organize and set dates for all my upcoming blogs and you tube videos, I can catch up on my favorite tv shows, watch a couple movies, read a couple books”, piece of cake, I’ve got this! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! The 1st day I was in to much pain and pretty sleepy to really do anything and then honestly the next day all I wanted to do was get out of the dang bed and go hang out with my family during this beautiful summer weekend. It was really hard staying in bed, reciting to my husband what needed to be done and what to pack for the kids for the day, when all I wanted to do was go to the Air show with them or go to the birthday party where all our friends would be. It made me feel so unmotivated and sort of sad in a way, all I wanted to do was lay there watching TV, and I had absolutely no interest in being productive. I just ate (way to much junk food mind you), watched movies on TV, and slept for the next 4 days! In the end I accomplished nothing that I had on my to do list and the only thing I learned from this whole situation is I never want to be on bedrest again!! With being considered “high risk” I really really hope that down the line I don’t have to go on bedrest, it’s so hard when you have a house to run and children to raise.  Especially for me, I’m the type of person that doesn’t like to ask for help and I like to do things myself so to not be “involved” in my kiddos lives for the week and have no control was really rough for me. If anything I’m just praying for “modified bedrest” where I can at least sit on the couch and occasionally walk around, because thinking of those poor woman that have to be hospitalized on bedrest just sounds so awful. My heart truly goes out to those woman and all that they have to sacrifice for their lil bun in the oven.  If you have to go out on bedrest though or know it’s in your near future I’ve put together a lil list of things to help pass the time that hopefully if there’s a next time I will take more advantage of:
ü  Online shopping! Whether you have baby things that still need to be bought, a baby registry to make, or even birthday or Christmas presents to buy now is the perfect time to get all this done. With baby #3 I am due in December and let me tell you if I go into pre term labor and get put on bedrest you can guarantee all my shopping will be done online. But personally I do like shopping online as it’s so much more convenient and being the mother of 2 already I’m sure all you mommies out there can relate that shopping with kids is so stressful and such a hassle! Plus I love using Ebates and getting cash back for all my purchases.
ü  Writing in a journal, blogging, or scrapbook. I have decided to blog and write in a pregnancy journal this pregnancy. I find it really relaxing to get out some of the emotions and fears that I’m facing at this time, plus it’s always fun to go back and relive some old memories. As far as scrapbooking goes I find that I never have the time, well here now you go, plenty of time to get all creative!
ü  Catch up on favorite TV shows or find a new series on Netflix
ü  Play with your kids. Just because you’re on bed rest doesn’t mean you can’t play with your kids. I don’t know about you guys but my 8 year old is constantly wanting me to play board or card games with her and majority of the time I don’t have the time because I’m busy cleaning or cooking dinner well now I will have plenty of time to play all the monopoly and UNO that she wants
ü  Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest. These are all great resources to stay social and up to date with everything that is going on in your friends lives
ü  Read. You can never read to many books whether it’s the next “Fifty Shades book” or “What to expect when your expecting“choose something to keep your mind occupied
ü  Rest! Lastly, just rest and do nothing, because before you know it you’re going to have another mouth to feed and you’re going to wish you were still laying in that bed lounging doing nothing!
Bedrest is really hard! But do you know what it’s ok to feel sorry for yourself! It’s ok to wallow in a little bit of self-pity. But do you know what, don’t feel guilty, just remind yourself who exactly you are doing this for. And at the end of it all, when it’s all said and done, and you have that sweet little bundle of joy in your arms; it will all be worth it!

5 weeks prego

I have decided to share a couple journal entries I had written before even announcing my pregnancy to anyone. I remember being terrified out of my mind at this time, I’m still scared don’t get me wrong, but it’s so reassuring seeing how far we’ve come and to see that everything is going great!….
It’s been almost a week since I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive and here I am finally writing! I don’t know why I couldn’t bring myself to write, I feel so weird this pregnancy. Is this really happening? Are my husband and I finally going to be blessed with another child after enduring such heartache last October? It just feels to good to be true and I’m so scared to get excited to only get let down again. I told Jeremy, this poor baby is just totally getting screwed…the last two pregnancies as soon as we saw that positive line on the test we were freaking out so excited and now this time we can’t even bring ourselves to believe it’s true until we see that ultrasound picture. And even then I know I’m going to be so scared throughout this whole pregnancy that something could go wrong.  I feel almost like I don’t want to let myself get attached to this baby for fear it’s going to be taken away from me. I honestly don’t know if I can endure the pain of another pregnancy loss again. I had the positive pregnancy test on April 15th. On April 17th I went and had my HCG levels drawn, oh my gosh talk about nerve wrecking waiting for that phone to ring with my results….2500. This nurse reassured me my level s were so promising but then to repeat them in 2 days. To me though HCG levels mean nothing, with my last pregnancy my levels were 40,000 after they had confirmed there was no embryo in the sac. I still was so reassured to hear those levels and then when I repeated them today April 20th they rose to 9,000. Seriously!! Are you kidding me? To me that seems so high for only supposedly being almost 5 weeks pregnant. I have only told 3 of my closest girlfriends and they all tease me that I’m having twins. Due to my HCG levels I am scheduled to have an ultrasound tomorrow morning which will confirm how far along I am. To say I’m terrified is an understatement! As the night goes on I find myself getting more and more scared and tearful. My last ultrasound was so traumatic that’s all I can think of. Tomorrow is either going to be a very happy day or it could be another tragic day and the start of my depression all over again. It’s crazy to think my life will be forever changed tomorrow around 8am. Will this ultrasound go in my favor? Or does God have other plans for my family? I felt like after getting the positive pregnancy test I was feeling pretty positive all week and thinking to myself things are going to be different but now why do I find myself doubting my happiness. I feel like I can’t even concentrate, I’m just staring mindlessly. I can’t even eat dinner. The thought of it just makes me want to burst into tears. I so wish I didn’t have this bad taste in my mouth, I so wish the innocence of pregnancy wasn’t lost for me. It takes me back to feeling like this is so unfair! Pregnancies are supposed to be a happy joyous time so why am I so sad and scared. When will I finally come to peace that things are going to work out for me? Tonight is going to be the longest night ever, I wonder if I’ll even be able to sleep.  It’s crazy to think my next update is either going to be bad or good news….oh how I wish I could fast forward time!

2nd opinion

Last week was one of the biggest emotional roller coasters I’ve experienced in a long time; I literally spent all of Wednesday crying after my appointment with the high risk specialist. I woke up on Thursday with a new found attitude though; I was determined to have a full term pregnancy no matter the odds against me! On Wednesday I felt very much defeated as if my dreams of a “normal” pregnancy were taken away from me. I just want to deliver a healthy term baby so bad and let my husband experience the joy of having the baby placed on my chest, hearing the baby cry as they wipe him/her down, and then bundling the baby up so daddy can hold for the first time. I don’t want a quick peek of my baby before it’s whisked away to the NICU and then once again I’m left alone in a hospital room as if nothing just happened.  I know my husband would say, “as long as I have a healthy baby I don’t care if it gets taken down to the NICU”, but as a mother I just want to experience pregnancy and childbirth the way they should be.
On Friday my husband and I met with my new OB, this OB deals with his own high risk pregnancies so at this appointment we would need to discuss our options and decide what path and what doctor we were going to choose.  Right away the demeanor of this appointment was totally different, I felt so at ease and there was no, “let me stamp high risk right across your forehead”, there was no, “if you do nothing your baby will be delivered even sooner than 29 weeks”. This doctor was so calm and basically said that he feels things could have been different with Kaiden if I would have been monitored differently so I’m not 100% considered “high risk”. He went on to mention that so far everything looks great and that if we do a cerclage next week he doesn’t see why we can’t get me to full term. He just really made me feel like my goal in this pregnancy is really possible and it’s not going to be as hard as it was made out to be at first. I almost wish I would have just met with him only and not had the crap scared out of me 2 days before. Mind you this is the same doctor that happened to be on that night that I went into labor with Kaiden and he was AMAZING!! It was one of the scariest nights of my life and he was so calm and made me feel so at ease that everything was going to be ok and it was. That delivery was the most calm and well-orchestrated delivery I’ve had so far and the whole delivery and NICU team worked together wonderfully.
It’s so funny how different doctors are in their opinions of how things should be done and what medications to take. This new doctor said get a cerclage; go out on disability around 27 weeks but no medication. He doesn’t believe in giving pregnant women progesterone, he doesn’t believe it even works as the only study claiming that it does work is by the company that manufactures the drug. Hmm isn’t that funny! To him it has more of a placebo effect if anything. My biggest lesson I’ve learned through this all though, is if you’re not comfortable with a doctor’s opinion then seek out another one. It is your body after all you know best, I do feel Kaiden was a fluke thing and I do feel this time can be different. I’m only working 2 days a week now instead of 3, I will make sure to have lighter assignments when working, no more working overtime, and this time around if I feel something is wrong I’m going to be persist about having it checked. I don’t care if I’m in triage a couple times a week, I would rather be that obnoxious patient always in triage then deliver a NICU baby again.  I will continue to keep you guys update on my cerclage and week of bedrest! Fingers crossed my husband can handle the new responsibility!

Pregnancy announcement

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//assets.pinterest.com/js/pinit.js Yup it’s official we are expecting baby #3!! Even as I write this it doesn’t seem real! I never intended to wait this long to reveal our amazing news but I just feel like the time is flying by. Weeks 4-8 crawled by but ever since our 1st ultrasound to verify there really was a baby there; the time is just speeding by. I haven’t been documenting this pregnancy like I wanted to, I feel like with Kaiden I already had so many pictures and a scrapbook started whereas now I feel like I don’t have much. They say the more children you have the less and less you do but that is sad of me to think, I don’t want this child to feel less important. I just honestly have been kept busy with working, having 2 children already, and then a combination of not feeling good in the beginning, being exhausted, and probably the biggest factor is being scared. My last pregnancy I lost at 8weeks so to say I’ve been nervous this time around is an understatement. Every little feeling, pain, emotion I freak out…am I miscarrying? Is my stress level going to cause me to have a miscarriage? I must have looked up the symptoms of miscarriage at least 10 times in the last month! It really sucks that the innocence of pregnancy is lost for me but I just can’t help but always have that worry in the back of my mind.  As long as I’m pregnant though I don’t think that worry will go away, I’m finally out of the 1sttrimester but realistically something could go wrong during any gestation period.
So yesterday we met with the pregnancy specialist because if you remember my 2nd child was delivered at only 29 weeks. I had a feeling I would be now considered “high risk” based on my history but hearing the Dr officially diagnose me as high risk sent me overboard. She also said to me that if I didn’t do any precautionary measures that I would more than likely deliver even earlier then 29 weeks this time. I instantly started bawling and all I could think about was that I can’t have another baby in the NICU. I don’t know if I can physically and mentally go through that again. Even to this day, 2 years later, sometimes when I talk about Kaiden’s 1st couple months of life I get so teary eyed and upset. I really feel like that was a very traumatic time in my life and to think of living that nightmare again terrifies me. I was a wreck all day yesterday, I literally just needed a day to feel sorry for myself, I did nothing but cry all day. I was mentally exhausted and just felt like a million “what ifs” were running through my mind.  I felt very sad, I was scared, but most of all I was angry! I just feel like it’s not fair! Why do I have to go through all these steps just to have a baby? I know I should be grateful that I can even get pregnant but no matter what situation you are in whether its infertility, experiencing a miscarriage, or being high risk it’s still not fair! Why can’t I just be like the majority of women in the world? Why can’t I just get pregnant easily? Why can’t I carry a normal healthy term baby? Why do I have to take this completely different road to get the same result that other woman get with no problems? Just like when I delivered Kaiden early, I felt robbed, I felt like I missed out on so many different milestones of being pregnant. And that’s how I feel now! I feel robbed of carrying a baby to term! I feel as if this joyous experience is being taking away from me and now instead it’s replaced with a surgical procedure and weekly injections.  I know the Dr isn’t saying I can’t carry full term; it’s just going to be more of a struggle to get there.
I woke up today with a new outlook! I got dressed, I did my makeup and hair, I’m ready to get back to nesting and organizing my house because I’m determined  to stay strong and positive for this baby! I am going to fight and do everything I can to ensure I do what’s best for my child. No more pity party for Rachael, it’s time to face the facts and just embrace this journey GOD has put me on. I’m not saying I like it, but there’s nothing I can do to change it, so I might as well just go with the flow. I can’t sit and stress about being on bedrest and paying my bills. I literally just need to focus on getting through today and doing the best I can for my body today!
How far along? 13 weeks
Total weight gain? 4lbs
Maternity clothes? Haven’t been wearing maternity clothes for about a month now! I feel like this pregnancy my belly popped out way quicker than my other pregnancies. I hate how expensive maternity clothes are though, the thought of paying so much $$ on something you’re only going to be wearing for a short period of time sucks! So I have definitely been the bargain shopper lately shopping at Ross, Target, Old Navy, Sears, and then bought a couple pairs of pants on clearance at Motherhood Maternity. I have invested in 3 pairs of shorts and then the rest were all t-shirts, tank tops, and then even just regular tank tops in a size L.
Best moment this week? Seeing our lil baby move all around at our ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat. It’s always so reassuring knowing baby is still healthy!
Stretch marks? Not yet (knock on wood)
Movement? Still to early
Food cravings: Chocolate milk and then last night I saw a commercial for raisin bran and was like “omg that looks so good”! Definitely will be adding that to my grocery list. Oh ya and we can’t forget the ice cream I eat at least every other night.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Occasionally chicken isn’t to appealing to me just depends how it’s cooked though
Have you started to show yet? Oh ya! It’s been especially hard since I haven’t told very many people yet, I have to always wear baggy tops but lately I’m just like forget it, I’m embracing this bump and just going with it.
Gender? We don’t know yet! The ultrasound tech said she thinks she had an idea what we’re having but Jeremy wants to wait until our 20 week ultrasound.
Labor signs: Better not be having any for quite some time!
Belly button in or out? Still in
Wedding rings on or off? Still on
Happy or moody most of the time? Definitely get irritated very quickly; I’m still really tired all the time so don’t have as much patience for Kaiden and his terrible twos.
Looking forward to? Every week this baby getting bigger and stronger!

Don’t be envious of people on the internet

Do you ever find yourself envious of others on the internet? Whether it’s from a blog, Facebook, or Instagram do you ever sit and wish you were lucky enough to have their life? I know I’m definitely guilty of this on numerous occasions! Why do we sit and do this though? How many times can we be told that Facebook for instance is only someone’s highlight reel. Do you ever see girls posting about the huge fight they just had with their husband leaving them home alone crying? No! Instead you see pictures of them going out having a great time all kissy face! Do you ever see girls taking selfies with no makeup on and hair is a disaster because they just woke up? No! Instead girls only take selfies when they feel their makeup and hair is on point! If we know this to be true then why can’t we remember this when scrolling our news feed? I sit and remind myself this all the time yet every day I find myself wishing, “I was as skinny as that girl”, “my husband would buy me a Louis Vuitton purse”, or that “I could travel the world visiting exotic locations”. The truth most likely is though, and not to be stereotypical because this isn’t all girls but that “skinny” girl is 21 years old, has never had kids, and gets paid to work out in the gym a couple hours a day. That girl whose husband bought her the Louis Vuitton purse is actually giving her a gift hoping she’d take him back after he told her he wanted to get a divorce last month and moved out. And that girl who travels the world visiting exotic locations is a “model” and uses men to get what she wants, there is no actual love in her life it’s all a mirage. Some of this may be a little dramatized but I also guarantee that some of the “fitness models” who I used to follow on Instagram this was actually real life.
 I’ll never forget about 5 years ago this model I had such a girl crush on her. She was absolutely beautiful and not just pretty but a natural beauty, she always had the cutest clothes, hair and make-up always looked amazing, she drove a BMV, always had a new designer bag, was on the covers of multiple magazines, and would date the hot Motocross guys. I always remember thinking, “I wonder if I had chosen a different path in my life such as not having my daughter at 23 years old how different my life could have been”? I followed this girl’s life on Facebook for a couple years; constantly envious of how her life was turning out and at the time I was a single mom of a 3 year old living at home with my parents so definitely not the ideal life I had wanted for myself. And then I just remember all of a sudden one day she just like fell off the face of the earth, no more Facebook posts, she was gone. I just assumed she had quit modeling and whatever moved on with my life.  A couple years later I came across a blog post from her which was totally random on my Facebook feed and was totally blown away.
”On the inside I was dying and broken. I weighed 95 pounds and was physically dying of an eating disorder that took over every moment of my life. I no longer had my own identity, but I had to conform to what the world wanted me to be and look like. I had no real friends, just people who wanted to use me to get ahead in their own life. I myself only wanted to use people for my own success, trying to date as many famous men as I could to get higher in my own social status and reputation. I used people and they used me. I was abused for years, raped, wounded, but it didn’t matter. My heart was broken many times, and so I broke hearts to get over the pain. I was in thousands of dollars of debt in order to uphold this “image” that no one can ever really attain to. So I stole, lied, gave my body for modeling opportunities, compromised my own morals, and cheated people in order to continue to survive. I had abandoned my family because they saw the destruction this life was causing me and I wasn’t going to listen to them. I was a secret alcoholic drinking and crying myself to sleep every night because of the hurt and pain deep within my heart that I could never express. I had thousands of “fans”, guys that thought I was the hottest thing on the earth and girls that looked up to me and I was their “idol”. That’s what I had wanted my whole life, to be known, famous, successful, having people look up to me, though I knew deep in my heart that this was never the life I would wish on anyone else. But to me, it was all I had, it was what I thought made me worthy, valuable.”  A Betrothed Bride
I feel like as soon as I saw that post it hit me you really never know what is going on behind closed doors! Here I am envious of this girl when in all reality she’s an alcoholic, been raped and abused for years, has no family or friends, in huge debt and all for what? To uphold an image? Is that what life is really about? Here I am wishing I had her life when in all reality she would probably be wishing she could have my “normal life”. Ya my life may not be the glamourous but you know what…it’s full of love, family, and friends and that’s truly the most important aspect of life! Nothing else matters! Not that fancy car you drive, not that designer purse you carry, not that mansion you love in. Without honesty, respect, family, friends, and love you have nothing!! I would say in the last couple months I have grown so much. After my miscarriage and then losing my Granny, I realized I would give up all the money in the world and all these stupid materialistic things in order to have my loved ones back, in order to give birth to that beautiful baby I never had the pleasure of meeting. None of that “stuff” matters to me! What matters to me most is the health and well-being of my family. With that I have decided no more being envious of others on the internet. No more scrolling through my newsfeed looking at mindless pictures of girls showing off their new purses, cars, whatever it may be…it brings nothing to my life. All it does is make me second guess my life and decisions and feel bad about myself. Why watch or look at something that makes you feel this way? Why bring negativity into your life? From now on I want nothing but positivity and inspiration! With that I have and am still in the process of deleting numerous accounts on my Instagram, I don’t need to look at these accounts anymore, they do nothing for me. And I will have to say in the past couple days of weeding out the “bad” accounts I am happy after looking through my Instagram, I love my feed now how it’s filled with home décor inspiration and other fitness moms like myself who are full of encouragement, they don’t bring me down, they lift me up! I hope that you take a step back in your life and think of what’s bringing happiness in your life and what’s bringing you negativity. It’s time to weed out the bad and make room for the good!

Kaidens 2nd Birthday Party

I can’t believe my sweet boy is 2 years old already! I know it’s so cliché to say but I feel like as soon as you have kids time just seriously flies by! To me Kaiden will always be my little miracle baby, my 29 weeker who gave me the biggest scare ever in my life but has now turned out to be the biggest blessing in disguise. I feel like no matter how old he is I’ll always remember that day like it was yesterday and just be so proud of the sweet and intelligent boy he has now become. Seriously, thank God for technology, if it wasn’t for the amazing research and technology we have today, I wouldn’t have my beautiful boy with me here today.

Kaiden now weighs 23lbs (4%) and is 32in long (16%). According to the Doctor he is still tiny but to us, considering where we started, he’s so big! Kaiden is such a good boy, he’s so sweet, gentle with babies, and loves to read. He is by far the best eater ever, this kid will seriously eat anything and everything. A lot of our friends say as soon as they start talking and get a little older then their eating habits change and the pickiness will start. I really hope not, my daughter is the pickiest eater ever, and it drives me crazy. Kaiden loves everything from chips and salsa, sushi, to chicken and beans with vegetables. It’s so nice going to a restaurant and not having to worry if there’s going to be something on the menu that he’ll eat. Kaiden is definitely a daddy’s boy, he would way rather be hanging out with my husband and playing with trucks then having anything to do with me. It does make me sad at times, but I’m so grateful he has an amazing father figure in his life that I really can’t complain. Besides always wanting to be with his dad he is also obsessed with gas pumps and old gasoline signs. I know this isn’t normal at all but as you can kinda see in the picture above when that’s what your daddy collects then that’s the only thing your exposed to and so it becomes an obsession of my sons as well. Which makes my husband thrilled, he definitely wants a son who has the same interests as him so he can pass down this huge collection. Besides collecting gas pumps with daddy Kaiden also loves playing in his water table and pool outside or making jumps outta books for all his monster trucks. I wouldn’t trade this sweet beautiful boy for anything in the world, he really does make my husband and I so happy and brings so much joy to our lives!!
Because Kaiden is so into trucks, this year we decided to go for a truck/construction themed birthday party. So of course last year I started pinning stuff right away to get ideas. I didn’t want to go to crazy though this year on decorations and party favors, because to be honest, you end up spending so much money on the presentation and no one even remembers later on. So this year I kept it to a minimum but still added my own little personal touch to it.
 Motor oil soda labels
 “Fueling station” for drinks
 “Equipment and Supplies” for plates, napkins, and cups
 “STOP refuel here” and then “Crew Punch”
 Licorice was “2×4’s”
 Oreos were “spare tires”
 Grapes were “Wrecking balls”
 Veggie Straws were “Pipes”
 Doritos munchies were “Nuts and Bolts”
A lot of my pintable’s were made by my talented and creative sister in law, Jaimie, she’s amazing when it comes to PowerPoint, with I was talented like that. Then I just went to the Dollar Tree and bought 99c frames and painted them yellow to match the orange and yellow theme of the party. I did get some of my printable off Pinterest. If you just search “construction party free printables” then you will find a couple options. If your not creative then you can also search on etsy for tons of ideas at a fair price. I found this really neat blog when searching Pinterest and this is where I got the food labels, water bottle labels, cupcake toppers, and invitation template so you should check her out.
For Kaidens cake I just made him his own special chocolate cake and then put some little tractors on top. I dug a little bit out of the cake in one corner then placed it in another like a lil mound of dirt. Super simple and easy to make yet goes perfect with the theme. I found these little tractor at Party City in the favors section for only a couple dollars and now Kaiden can play with them after.
For everyone else I made Pudding filled dirt cupcakes. This was also super simple and easy to make plus saved me a ton of money instead of having professional cupcakes or a cake made and everybody still loved them. See you don’t have to spend a fortune to have a good party!
For entertainment Kaiden already has a ton of Tonka trucks and tractors so we just went to Home Depot and bought more sand and made a huge sandbox for all the kids to get dirty and play around. Everybody loved it and it kept them entertained the whole 3 hours. Normally I do a jumpy, but this year we decided to cut back on cost, so I was so nervous the kids would be bored. Huge success though!
My sweet triplet nieces
Kaiden ended up getting sick during his party! Never fails right…kids always get sick for birthdays or holidays! We still tried to make the best of it though, but poor little guy just didn’t want to play or eat his cake. All he wanted to do was take a nap so we sped along the cake and present opening process. As we sang him Happy Birthday he just looked at us like we’re crazy and then just proceeded to play with the trucks in the cake instead of eat it. Oh well, maybe next year we’ll get more of a reaction out of him.
Then it came time for presents, luckily I had asked for gift cards or cash so we could buy Kaiden his big boy bed so there wasn’t that many presents to open. How adorable is this bed for a boy who loves trucks?!!
Of course all his presents were more trucks and hot wheels! I didn’t expect anything less A boy can never have to many trucks!
It was such a great party and once again Thank You to everyone who came and helped make this day extra special for my little guy!

Easter baskets for toddlers

Hi everyone! Now that Kaidens birthday party is over, it’s time to focus on Easter crafts and most important, the Easter basket. Kaiden just turned two years old, which helps making up an Easter basket for him a little easier but I still feel toddler Easter baskets can be a little tricky, especially when it comes to the idea of all that candy and chocolate. I would really rather stay away from getting him any sort of candy, if anything he can just have a little bit or two from his older sister’s candy filled Easter basket. I’m so excited for Easter this year, as last year Kaiden hadn’t even started crawling yet so this year I’m really looking forward to egg decorating and the egg hunt with him. I know he’s going to be so excited!

When it comes to an Easter basket you don’t have to get all fancy and spend a ton of money on a basket your kids could care less about, unless you plan on using it for many years to come, it’s not worth the money. Kids don’t care about the actual basket, I feel like that’s more for the parents and the presentation of things, kids only care about what’s inside. I usually just go to my local dollar tree where you can find adorable baskets or to be even more practical use a toy as your basket, some really great toys to use as baskets would be a sand pail (great to use later for beach trips) or for boys some sort of dump truck.

source: ilovetocreateblog.blogspot.com
 I usually search online or even on Pinterest for some toddler basket ideas so today I thought I’d share with you some of the items I have bought already and also some other really great toddler appropriate gift ideas.  
Kaiden absolutely loves reading books so you can’t go wrong with some new reading material.
Besides getting toys I like to also get practical stuff that my kiddos actually really need. So now that Kaiden is outgrowing the highchair, I thought a new booster seat would be a perfect Easter bunny gift. I debated what booster seat to get but after thinking about it for awhile I thought this seat was perfect. I didn’t want something with a tray because the whole point of a booster seat is to remove clutter (bye bye high chair) and to also have your kiddos learn to sit at the table with you. I really think because it’s a turtle and he loves animals, he’ll be so excited to sit on it as well. I’ll keep you posted how the transition from a highchair to booster seat goes.
Some other great ideas to add to your little ones basket….
I hope these ideas help bring some inspiration to your kiddos baskets this year! Let me know in the comments section if you have any other ideas as I would love to hear them! Hope everyone has a great week!

A hope for my future

I don’t particularly talk about my miscarriage often but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t consume my mind continuously. I don’t feel that a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think about the baby that could have been. When it comes to my emotions I’m usually more of a private person and don’t like to bother others with my problems. This blog has become a way for me to express my frustrations, for all I know no one even reads it but at least it’s a way for me to get my feelings out in a positive way. I would hope though that I can reach one person who has gone through a similar situation and bring a little more peace to her day knowing she’s not alone. I have recently found myself becoming very angry that this miscarriage happened to our family; I can’t help but be in countdown mode thinking that in just 3 months I would have been delivering another baby. It’s been almost 9 months since we originally decided to add another child to our family and to think that it could still be many more months until we get pregnant again is just so depressing. I really don’t know how much longer I can go on with the disappointment of another negative pregnancy test. For those of you who have struggled with infertility then you understand my hatred of peeing on those dang sticks and watching just the control line appear! I sometimes wonder if “GOD” doesn’t think I’m ready to experience the joy of being pregnant again. Do I need to be healed from this miscarriage before I can move on? Can you ever really be healed? Does the pain ever go away and do you ever forget? They say time heals everything but how much time is that? I still find myself very emotional and cry occasionally and it’s been 5 months. I feel most frustrated and still have such unanswered questions. Life just feels so unfair at times! I have been finding myself doubting “GOD” and his plan for my future, they say “GOD” doesn’t bring you pain but then why would he do this to me? Why would he take away my sweet baby? Why doesn’t he want me to be a mother again? Does he feel like I’m not a good mommy? Or was he saving this baby from a life of pain and struggle? Then it makes me wonder how my husband feels about all this? Would my husband have married me if he would have known that I couldn’t give him the family he has always wanted? Would I have married him if the roles were reversed? My husband would love to have a big family and it makes me so sad knowing I may not be able to give that to him. The other day at my daughter’s softball game there was a family of 7! 7 kids can you believe that? I laughed to myself thinking of the chaos in that family household but in all reality I was jealous of that mother. Jealous she was able to get pregnant 7 times and deliver 7 children. Jealous that she was able to have her children back to back so that they are all close in age. My husband joked that that would be us in the future and I laughed not because that’s to many children but because I worry we won’t be able to even have 4 children let alone who knows how long it will take to add this 3rd child to our family. This whole 2-3 year gap in between children is not going to work if we want to continue having more; I worry now that since I’m almost 31 years old we are going to run out of time.
My sister in law recently gave me the book “Expecting with Hope claiming joy when expecting a baby after loss” by Teske Drake.
 It is a Christian based book and made for mommies to read when their pregnant again but you can definitely read it beforehand.  I have never been much into religion as this book has tons of bible verses but I find this book very reassuring. Maybe because it’s written by  woman who have gone through similar situations, they totally understand my feelings and get where I’m coming from, I feel like this book is really speaking to me and it’s what I need at this time.  One of the very first things I read that really hit home with me is that “the joy and innocence of pregnancy is lost”. This is totally true! I’m definitely not this naïve girl anymore who thinks the first time you have unprotected sex you’ll get pregnant and then 9 months later you deliver this healthy baby with no complications. Unfortunately after my 2ndchild was delivered at only 29 weeks and now this miscarriage I see pregnancy as one of the scariest time of a woman’s life. I really wish I didn’t feel this way, I wish I could just be carefree and totally excited when pregnant, don’t get me wrong I absolutely love being pregnant and welcome it with open arms,  I just see things in a new light. To me being pregnant is so stressful and every little symptom you freak out and think something is wrong! Being pregnant truly is a miracle and when you really think of the whole conception and birthing process it truly is amazing! As written in the book “trust him now, so that as your future unfolds-whatever the outcome-he is there to take you by the hand”.  What is my outcome going to be? I feel like I sound so greedy and ungrateful saying I hope to give my husband that large family like he’s always wanted, I feel so guilty saying I hope to be blessed with multiple pregnancies and healthy children, especially when there’s woman who can’t even conceive just 1 child. I should be so grateful for the two that I have. Maybe that is “GODs” plan for me? Right now I can’t be content with this though, I can’t find peace and seek GOD wholeheartedly at this time, right now I’m having a hard time putting all my trust in him, especially when it comes to the life of my children. Right now as I’m typing this my Granny is in the hospital very sick and I fear she won’t make it much longer. It makes me sad to think that she probably won’t meet her next great grandchild. It makes me angry to think that maybe if I wouldn’t have had a miscarriage she would have at least gotten to meet one more of my children. When it comes to moments like this in your life this is where you can’t find reason and nothing makes sense. This is where you doubt the presence of a “GOD”!  No matter how long a person is on this earth, no time is long enough. No matter their age or the reason of their death their still the love of someone’s life and no time no matter how long isn’t enough. I really hope that someday I will be able to come to peace with how my future is unfolding and it will all make sense.  Until then…”Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Heb. 11:1)