Rough patches

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel like life isn’t going as planned? You continue to ask yourself where did I go wrong? Am I being punished? These last couple months have been so rough for me, I feel like I can’t catch a break, and now I think all these life changes are now manifesting itself into me getting sick. This past week I have had the worst headaches that literally last all day, from the second I open my eyes in the morning to the moment I finally fall asleep. I’ve never had headaches so bad that no amount of medication will take the edge off, where I literally feel drunk because I’m so light headed. It has really been interfering with my life and it’s such a downer. I really feel it’s a combination of both stress, some other life changing events, and then the aftermath of my miscarriage.

 Just a quick little update on my body/mind after miscarriage, emotionally I feel like I’m still a wreck! I still have to fight back the tears if anyone asks how I’m doing or if my current pregnant friends have great news to share with me. Don’t get me wrong I’m beyond excited for all my friends that are currently pregnant and I wish them nothing but the best but I can’t help but think how far along I would be, I’d probably be showing now, and we would most likely already know the gender of the baby. It just really sucks to not be at that point anymore and I still can’t help but wonder why and what went wrong? I really don’t know how long this feeling is going to last? When am I not going to want to burst into tears at the thought of my baby that could be? It probably doesn’t help that 2 months later I am still experiencing the miscarriage, yes that’s right, I’m still bleeding, and have been bleeding for almost 8 weeks now non stop. I’m just so frustrated, when is this going to end? Am I still experiencing a miscarriage, am I having a period, is this hormonal bleeding, did I have another miscarriage? So many unanswered questions that can’t be answered that only make me more and more stressed and depressed everyday! I just want to move on with my life! I just want to forget this happened and start fresh! Why do I have to have a constant reminder everyday of my loss? Where is that light at the end of the tunnel? I just really need to see a glimpse of it, I don’t know how much longer I can take of this. I feel like my body just hates me right now! This constant state of bleeding is probably a contributor to my headaches. I already have such low blood pressure so I’m sure with everything going on it’s even lower now and not to mention my iron level has probably dramatically decreased. I’m going to need a dang blood transfusion by the time my body gets it together! Gees! I’ve made it a point to start taking my prenatal vitamins again, I’m taking an extra iron supplement, and then I’m back to drinking my Shakeology again. I need all the vitamins and nutrients I can get right now. I feel like my body is so weak and unhealthy right now and I need to get back on track. I haven’t been working out due to my slight depression, I just don’t have the desire or motivation right now but I know that I need to get back on that wagon. Working out will definitely help my stress level decrease and I remember when I was working out consistently I felt so much better mentally not just physically. I’m going to slowly start getting back into my workouts here in the next couple days and then the typical cliché thing to do…but my New Years resolution is to get back into shape and be the healthiest I’ve ever been! What are your guys New Years resolutions I’d love to hear?

I found this picture on Pinterest that I’d thought I’d share, it’s little pictures like this that can sometimes be very inspiring and help you get through your day. I just love Pinterest, it’s the best! Enjoy!

Blended families

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!! We had a really great time with family and friends but unfortunately this year my lil family was incomplete. Every year my ex and I rotate who my daughter is with on Thanksgiving and this year she was with her dad. I’m sure there are a lot of you out there that can relate to me on this one.
 
You want to be excited about the holidays but then again at the same time you feel emptiness because you’re not able to share this special day with your loved one.  It’s really hard when you walk in the door and your nieces come running up to you so excited to see you but then instantly are disappointed when they learn their cousin won’t be joining them today. Holidays almost feel like a constant reminder of where your life went wrong. I can recall countless holidays of me crying before it’s time to leave the house because of the guilt and sadness I feel. I’m sure it’s not only hard on me but my daughter as well. It’ll be nice when we get to the point where she can choose where she’d like to be, but then again that could just open up a whole different can of worms for me.
                I remember before I left Kirra’s dad the one thing that kept me in the relationship was HER! I wanted to give my daughter a great life and felt so guilty for tearing apart her family. Here she was, this innocent baby and she never asked to be brought into this life. She never asked to be taken from the only home she’d ever known and have to go back and forth every day, split between two parents. I was so worried she’d be scarred from our breakup and grow up to be bitter and not believe in Love or fairytale romances. I felt like I was starting her off on such a wrong foot and she’d feel so abandoned or if the break up was her fault. Even now after 4 years I worry our relationship isn’t what it could have been. Now that I’m remarried and have another child with my husband I worry that she’ll feel envious of her brother and the fact that his parents are still together and he doesn’t have to go back and forth all the time. I contemplated staying in the relationship and sacrificing my own happiness for her happiness. As a mother you will do anything for your child and so I was willing to live a life of lies in order to give her what I thought was what was best.  I really hope and pray when she gets older she’ll understand why I had to leave and understand I did what I had to do and know it was  for her!
                A good thing to remember is, kids are a lot more intuitive then we think, you may be fooling everybody else around you but a child will always see through you and see the pain your hiding.  This honestly helped me make my final decision; I didn’t want my child growing up thinking it was ok to be in a relationship like this. If it’s not ok for your daughter, sister, or friend to be in a relationship like this then why is it ok for you? That question will always stick with me and was one of the key factors of my breakup. So I took that leap and brought huge change to my daughter’s life, only time will tell but I have to keep reminding myself I did the right thing for her and I, because of me she will know what’s it’s like to be in a healthy relationship and she won’t make the same mistakes that I did. So on Christmas when I’m feeling down because she’s at her dads for the holiday I need to remind myself, I gave her the greatest gift of all, I gave her a life of truth, happiness, and healthy relationships!!
 

Heartbroken

I’m writing this post today but honestly don’t know if or when I’m even going to post this entry. You see I had this great plan on how I was going to debut my blog, everything was coming together great all in perfect timing and BAM just like that my heart was shattered and my plan went down the drain! In a way I’m not surprised though, I feel like whenever you try and plan things out and play it all out in your head, GOD or whatever higher power you believe in swoops into your life and pushes you down a different path ruining everything you just had laid out. My husband always tells me to just go with the flow, I don’t know why I just won’t listen because he’s right majority of the time. Nothing happens when you want it to, nothing happens when it’s perfect timing, there is no such thing. GOD has his own plans for you and it doesn’t matter what you “request” he’s going to do it in his time and his way.
In starting this blog I never want to come across as the “perfect mom”. I want to be real, open, and honest with people. I want everyone to see that I have my struggles, insecurities, and bad days as well. I don’t want to be portrayed like everything is great, I have this perfect life, perfect family, I’m in great shape, luv my job, etc. when that’s not the case. So when I told my husband that my blog dreams were now ruined, I have nothing to talk about he reminded me, “Why do I follow the blogs that I do,?” And I thought to myself because those women are real, they focus on topics that I deal with on occasion, and most importantly they inspire me.  So with that being said I’m going to be completely raw with you…
In September I found out, I was pregnant! Jeremy and I were thrilled, beyond ecstatic to be expecting a 3rdchild. Literally right away we started planning how we were going to tell our family and friends, for all of you that know me know I’m a Pinterest junky & right away a “personal” board was made and I started pinning away! We already had names picked out and we started talking about how we were going to make room for a 3rd baby in our 3 bedroom condo. For anyone who has ever been pregnant you know those first couple months go by so slow, seems like your pregnant for eternity, and it’s only been like 2 months. But that’s what happens when you’re so excited and counting down the months/weeks/days until your due date. I had found the cutest pregnancy announcement on Pinterest & it was perfect with Halloween coming up. It was official we were going to buy a bunch of pumpkins, make a little pumpkin family, and then cut out a heart in my pumpkin & place a little baby pumpkin inside with a sign that read, “We’re adding a pumpkin to our patch May 2015”. How adorable is that idea? Perfect right?
For those of you who don’t know my 2nd child was delivered at only 29 weeks, due to this my OB doctor informed me that as soon as I was to get pregnant again they would do a cervical ultrasound right away to get a baseline measurement that way later down the road they could tell if I was going into pre-term labor or not.  So last week my 1st ultrasound appointment was scheduled, I thought nothing of it, I was just going to go straight from work & get it done real quick, we weren’t going to be see the “baby” yet so my husband stayed home with our youngest. I was just at the doctors 3 days prior to confirm my pregnancy, the pee stick still tested positive, all was good!! So I did my ultrasound and after the appointment they had me wait to speak to the radiologist. As I’m sitting in the waiting room I’m thinking this is really weird why would some radiologist be giving me my results, they can’t decide if I’m high risk or not this doesn’t make sense. I’m starting to get paranoid but I’m a paranoid person anyways so I tell myself to brush it off, it’s no big deal. The radiologist comes out to get me & says he just needs to speak to me real quick. He takes me into a patient room and he informs me, “I’m really sorry but there was no fetus/embryo present on the ultrasound, I believe you had a miscarriage!”.  At that moment my world came crashing down, here I am all alone in a patient room, and I am just delivered what I consider at that moment the most devastating news. How could this even be? I was just at the doctors 3 days ago for my initial pregnancy visits, they had me take a pregnancy test, it was still positive, and not to mention I’m so sick and nauseous all the time. I felt like it was a dream, I literally felt like I had heard the doctor wrong, and there was no way this was really happening. I honestly didn’t think this would ever happen to me! I just sat there questioning him and he had no words! I walked out of the doctor’s office balling my eyes out, I don’t even remember how many people were in the waiting room, and I didn’t even care. And now for the 2nd worst thing of all…to tell my husband I was no longer pregnant. I’ll never forget how giddy and excited Jeremy was when I showed him that pregnancy test a couple weeks ago and now I have to call him and basically break his heart. Who wants to do that? Who wants to deliver to their husband such awful news? I sat in the parking lot crying for about 5 minutes before I could even bring myself to dial his number, he was going to be devastated! When he answered all I could do was cry! I finally got it out, “I’m not pregnant anymore”! He has since told me he knew the moment he answered that phone something was terribly wrong.
The moment you find out your pregnant you instantly become so in love with this human being growing inside of you! To have that instantly taken away from me for no reason was devastating. I couldn’t stop crying all day, I literally was heartbroken. Ever since I was a little girl all I’ve ever wanted to do was to be a mother, so why does GOD make this journey for me so difficult? For once why can’t I just experience a normal pregnancy? I’m so envious of girls that don’t take months/years to get pregnant, who deliver full term, and complain about how uncomfortable they are. Must be nice! I’d love to be 9 months pregnant and wishing this baby would come out of me. But I’ve never gotten the chance to experience that yet. With everything going through my head I definitely starting experiencing the stages of grief, I was so sad the first day, next day I was positive and ready to move back on with my life, then I became very depressed and literally did nothing all day. If it wasn’t for my other 2 children and husband I don’t know how long I would have stayed depressed for, they were the only things that could make me smile and keep my mind occupied or else I would have just sat and dwelled on it. I know I need to be grateful for the 2 beautiful children I already have because there’s people out there that can’t even get pregnant nor have children of their own but it still makes me angry. Especially in my line of work, I’m so tired of seeing these mothers who use drugs throughout their whole 9 months of pregnancy and have 6 other kids who they don’t even have custody of! WTF!!! Why do they keep getting pregnant? Why can’t people like that miscarry? Why does it feel like the people that really want to be parents have the most heart ache and trouble? Life just really seems so unfair sometimes!
 It’s been a little over a week since I was told the news and for the most part I’m ok, I can talk about it sometimes but then little things will trigger the sadness to set back in. I woke up the other night crying because in my dream I was feeding our new little baby boy and telling him how in the beginning they misdiagnosed me for having a miscarriage. Oh how I wish that was true! Oh how a part of me wished when I went in for that repeat ultrasound we’d see that little heart beating away and be able to prove those doctors wrong. But life goes on and everything happens for a reason, I don’t know what that reason may be now but I’m sure in time will tell. So for now I’ll try to hold my head up high and continue to make great memories with the 2 babies that I have.